


This Is What It Feels Like

by SkinnyPlease



Category: Phandom
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, Phan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-05-16
Packaged: 2018-03-30 04:25:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3922822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkinnyPlease/pseuds/SkinnyPlease
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“This is it? You’re really doing this now?”</p>
<p>He nods, “Yeah, I guess so.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Is What It Feels Like

“This is it? You’re really doing this now?”

He nods, “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Fuck you, Phil. What the fuck. After everything?” I feel like screaming everything is so big and I’m spinning, this can’t be happening…it just can’t be.

“Dan I-“

“Don’t you fucking dare you bastard.” I cut him off with a glare, “Just get out, I have no time for this shit.”

“Dan…”

“Bye Phil.”

I try not to cry as he turns away.

~

_I see him in a bar. His hair is jet black and he seems like he’s trying to sink into the wall like he’s so ready to be swallowed whole._

_“Not a party person?” I ask, sliding next to him along the wall._

_His mouth tugs into a cheeky grin, “Maybe I’m just trying to attract cute boys.”_

_“Tell me if you see any.” I reply, taking a swing of beer._

_“I’ll be sure to.”_

_His eyes are electric and I swear they look into my soul in that moment._

_I don’t know how but I know we’re going to be together._

_~_

Phil slips from my life the taste of chocolate melts on your tongue, slowly and sweetly. He stops calling after a month and I keep having to remind myself that he broke up with me.

I trash the pictures of him in a fit of rage one night and scrap up the glass of the frames in the morning, folding the torn pictures and throwing them into the trash can.

No one talks to me much. I guess that’s what I get for shoving everyone away.

It’s okay, I’m better off on my own anyway.

Who needs people when you have loneliness to rot away in.

~

_“Are you staying tonight?” I ask as we approach my apartment._

_“Do you want me too?” he asks, faking innocence as he flicks a strand of hair from his face._

_I smile in response._

_He takes me beautifully and our night is full of moans and so much pleasure._

_He pounds into me until I squirt all over the bed sheets like a good whore and he pulls out slowly, as if he's letting himself slip away from this sex into reality._

_He attempts to cook breakfast in the morning and ends up flicking batter onto my face._

_I smile sweetly at him before I crack an egg over his head._

_~_

Sometimes, I like to snuggle in the sheets so deeply so I can pretend the warmth I feel is from him, but it never is. Sometimes, I flip through the scrapbook his mother made us for our first anniversary.

Mostly, I don’t exist. I don’t really eat or sleep or do much of anything anymore.

Phil calls me twice. I almost answer both times.

Maybe this is for the best though.

Or maybe I just want it to be.

~

_“It’s been a year.” I say_

_“Hmmm?”_

_“Since we met, it’s been a year.”_

_Phil peeks up from his book, “Really? It seems like longer.”_

_I smile, “Yeah.”_

_“Wanna have anniversary sex? I’ll make pancakes in the morning.”_

_When we touch, it feels like the first time, the passion burning through my fingertips, the way he traces me as if he’s discovering all of me all over again. My back arches so far I feel as if it might snap as his cock thrusts in and out. He places open mouthed kisses over my body and everyone burns like I'm on fire. Phil’s so beautiful._

_"Dan?" He says once we flop over, sweaty and exhausted_

_"Yeah, Phil?"_

_"I love you."_

 

_I stop him from attempting pancakes in the morning and we just have more sex instead._

_~_

I wallow away slowly, loosing parts of me I thought I would need. I lose my laughter first. It comes when it hits me that I don’t have him anymore.

I lose my will next. Too many nights are spent binging only to purge later as if that will make me cleaner. I can still feel his hands all over my boy and the gentle way his lips pressed to mine like he was afraid if he pressed harder I would break only to pound me into the mattress later.

The bags under my eyes get larger and I get paler. I wonder if he left me because I always had trouble loving myself. 

I spend too many nights pruning my skin in the bathtub with a bottle of wine in case I feel like drowning.

I wonder if I actually drowned if that would be better.

~

_We argue a lot over stupid things. The first time we have a real serious argument Phil storms out of the apartment sweeping himself away from my protests for us to work it out._

_He always comes back though._

 

_We always make up and mostly, we are happy._

_Sometimes, when we're cuddling, Phil whispers that he thinks I’m the shore and he’s the waves and he’ll always end up coming back to me. I don’t ever think about how the shore doesn’t always want the waves and the burden they bring as they crash upon it._

_Phil crashes me._

_I lose friends and I am scared. My family rejects me. He’s the only one I have left._

_I wonder if that’s really what he wanted all along, someone who was easy to crash into._

~

We were intact for four years. But I wonder still if he was really mine, or if I just assumed he was. Phil Lester was so beautiful, like a shooting star. He burned so brightly but only for so long. I wonder if I was the waves and he was shore instead. I just crashed into him, dragging pieces with me as I went. I don’t feel much anymore, maybe it’s because I have floated out too far from the shore and now I’m fighting to keep my head above water.

I think of drowning and how easy it must be to slip away. 

~

_“Phil?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Are we gonna be together?”_

_“I’d assume so.”_

_“I mean like, forever.”_

_“Of course.”_

_He kisses the tip of my nose._

_~_

I miss him more than anything. PJ calls on Tuesday. He asks if I want to hang out 'cause we haven't in a while. I hang up the phone because I don't have a good excuse. 

I unfriend Phil on FaceBook to keep me from late night stalking his feed. 

He looks happy. I wonder if we were ever happy. 

~

_We're at his parents house. It smells of turkey and potatoes._

_"Mom, Dad, this is Dan." Phil introduces._

" _Nice to meet you." I say_

_His parents whisper to him later that they like me when they think I can't hear._

_~_

I go outside for the first time in a while late at night. Its dark and peaceful. I feel lonely. Phil and I used to take late night walks, not even talking, just soaking up each other's presence. 

He was always so warm for some reason. Maybe it's because the light inside of him was just bursting to escape. I once heard that when we die, we go everywhere. That we are only vessels and someday the energy inside of us will just burst out of us, dying is nothing but transferring. I liked that concept. 

I call PJ back. 

~

_Phil's a radio host. He pulls in enough money to treat me to anything. I don't really do much, my parents are rich so I haven't truly had to work._

_"What do you want to be when you grow up?" He asks me one night_

_We pause for a car that whizzes by._

_"I'm not sure."_

_He smiles and takes my hand._

_"I guess I'd  like to be a father." I say after a few minutes._

_"That sounds perfect for you." Phil replies_

_~_

 PJ asks how Phil is and apologizes over and over again after I start crying. 

"Dan, oh my god...but you guys were like...perfect." 

"Yeah, he was." I say 

We play Mario Kart and I try stop feeling so sorry for myself. 

PJ sleeps over and makes me pancakes in the morning. He kisses me on the forehead and says he'll pick me up some ice cream because there's no better food for heart break. 

~

_"I HATE YOU!" Phil screams_

_I'm laughing too hard to respond._

_"DAN HOW COULD YOU? YOU SAID YOU'D LET ME WIN!"_

_"I'm sorry" I press out, still laughing_

_"HOW DID YOU EVEN HAVE A SCORE THAT PERFECT ON JUST DANCE??" He's so enraged by my video game skills_

_"Phil, shut up, we have neighbors!"_

_"WHO GIVES A FREAK YOU TOTALLY CHEATED! I CALL FOR A REMATCH!"_

_~_

PJ hangs around. He drags me to parties and out to the bar. We laugh about nothing and get drunk enough to be kicked out of a bar. 

Louise scolds us one night when she has to come and get us cause we were making so much of a mess, but we tell enough fart jokes to keep her anger at bay. 

~

_"You good?" He asks_

_"Yeah, I'm good."_

_"You just seem kinda, I don't know, distant."_

_I was to scream "I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING OTHER GUYS WHEN I'M GONE" but I don't._

_Instead, I let him trace the outline of my body and dip into me. I pretend that he hasn't been cheating and that his dick hasn't been thrusting into other guys. I almost want to vomit when he tells me he loves me because how could he love me._

_I know I'm not perfect but I thought he was._

_~_

I adopt a little boy with jet black hair and blue eyes. 

He reminds me of all the things that could have been. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> hey so i'm back. kinda. idk where this even came from. title is the title of the song "this is what it feels like" by armin van buuren.  
> hit me up on tumblr: phanbruh


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